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General Category => Back Pages => Topic started by: Allan Heron on January 29, 2010, 03:25:32 PM

Title: Worldwide Review of Terrorist Threats....
Post by: Allan Heron on January 29, 2010, 03:25:32 PM
THE ENGLISH are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

THE SCOTS raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the B*****ds" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

THE FRENCH government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

ITALY has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

THE GERMANS also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

BELGIANS, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

THE SPANISH are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

AMERICANS meanwhile and as usual are carrying out preemptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

NEW ZEALAND has also raised its security levels from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "S**t, I hope Australia will come and rescue us!"

AUSTRALIA, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Title: Re: Worldwide Review of Terrorist Threats....
Post by: Pete T on January 29, 2010, 03:59:06 PM
I just got that in an e-mail too, but thought it a bit "too close to the mark" to publish here!! :D
Title: Re: Worldwide Review of Terrorist Threats....
Post by: Allan Heron on January 29, 2010, 04:07:29 PM
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Of course, I should be ashamed of myself for letting this go unedited  :o
Title: Re: Worldwide Review of Terrorist Threats....
Post by: Pete T on January 29, 2010, 08:19:14 PM
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
..on mine it was "since the spanish armada"..
Title: Re: Worldwide Review of Terrorist Threats....
Post by: Michael Heatley on January 29, 2010, 11:45:45 PM
Don't mention the war...or Andy Murray!  :o
Title: Re: Worldwide Review of Terrorist Threats....
Post by: Rob W on January 30, 2010, 01:09:39 PM
So.....................to bring it on topic, although I appreciate this is the off topic section............

where are the Welsh in all of this?   :)
Title: Re: Worldwide Review of Terrorist Threats....
Post by: Michael Heatley on January 30, 2010, 01:10:57 PM
Hiding?  :D
Title: Re: Worldwide Review of Terrorist Threats....
Post by: Dan Singh on January 30, 2010, 01:58:06 PM
..down the mines..?
Title: Re: Worldwide Review of Terrorist Threats....
Post by: Mike Morgan on January 30, 2010, 04:22:27 PM
Keeping ourselves busy planning how to stuff the Engerlish at Twicken-ham next Saturday ;).
Title: Re: Worldwide Review of Terrorist Threats....
Post by: zippy on January 30, 2010, 08:27:42 PM
they've probably gone for a leek
Title: Re: Worldwide Review of Terrorist Threats....
Post by: mikes on February 11, 2010, 11:24:36 PM
I've been to Morocco recently to escape the marching songs level. When I returned last weekend I found myself inmidst the carnival season here. It's like everybody singing marching songs as loud as they can. These people switch to war mode if you don't like to join in ...