Author Topic: Just like that.....  (Read 3480 times)

Allan Heron

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Just like that.....
« on: March 02, 2010, 01:27:48 PM »
1. Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad wrap for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high..'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'..

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common? ' 'It's not unusual'.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? 'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' the doctor asks. 'Don't you start' says the guy.

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

It's Just My View

Information is not knowledge
Knowledge is not wisdom
Wisdom is not truth
Truth is not beauty
Beauty is not love
Love is not music
Music is THE BEST........

Martin Daughton

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Re: Just like that.....
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2010, 01:39:35 PM »
Aha!
The error is further compounded.
These are all Tim Vine jokes and not, as suggested here, Tommy Cooper.
Poor old Tim, holder of the world record for the most laughs got in an hour and still being misrepresented...

Allan Heron

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Re: Just like that.....
« Reply #2 on: March 02, 2010, 02:05:56 PM »
The style is 100% Cooper so there's no surprise that people would make that error.
It's Just My View

Information is not knowledge
Knowledge is not wisdom
Wisdom is not truth
Truth is not beauty
Beauty is not love
Love is not music
Music is THE BEST........

Davey

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Re: Just like that.....
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2010, 04:45:45 PM »
lol.. :D

Nick Nation

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Re: Just like that.....
« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2010, 06:53:57 PM »
"Doctor, Doctor....I keep thinking I'm a pair of wigwams"
"Rubbish, you're just two tents."

John Bannon

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Re: Just like that.....
« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2010, 07:07:12 PM »
Knock,Knock,

Who's there,

Seymour,

Seymour who,

Seymour Man I guess........
Inside every old Man is a younger Man thinking 'What the f**k happened'

Tel

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Re: Just like that.....
« Reply #6 on: March 05, 2010, 03:30:22 AM »
Not all Tim Vine

Number 18 is most definitely Tommy Cooper - I've been repeating that joke since I was at school after seeing him do it on TV - AND it still makes me laugh.

Rob W

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Re: Just like that.....
« Reply #7 on: March 05, 2010, 11:00:18 AM »
Not all Tim Vine

Number 18 is most definitely Tommy Cooper - I've been repeating that joke since I was at school after seeing him do it on TV - AND it still makes me laugh.

Number 19. Chubby Brown did a variation on that one in the 80's when he was the funniest bloke in the world and vulgar, as opposed to now just being vulgar.

John Bannon

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Re: Just like that.....
« Reply #8 on: March 05, 2010, 11:04:07 AM »
Not all Tim Vine

Number 18 is most definitely Tommy Cooper - I've been repeating that joke since I was at school after seeing him do it on TV - AND it still makes me laugh.

Number 19. Chubby Brown did a variation on that one in the 80's when he was the funniest bloke in the world and vulgar, as opposed to now just being vulgar.

I quiet like his political satire........
Inside every old Man is a younger Man thinking 'What the f**k happened'